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Uh, kidney stones suck. Hope you never get one. My dad has had five and my oldest brother has had six. Damn genetics! This is my first, and I can probably count on having more in the future. The Percocet certainly helps, but the initial pain is constant and sharp.
If I don't pass the stone tonight, I'm in for a fun procedure tomorrow morning. It is out-patient so it isn't very serious. I'll spare you of the specifics, but I'm sure you can use your imagination and figure out what they need to do. I'm in a Percocet induced haze as I type this and I'm pounding the water. Wish me luck.
First off, Happy 31st Birthday, Nate.
Damn, a lot of growing up between Nate's Freshman and Sophomore year! Unfortunately, Nate's Freshman picture wasn't in the yearbook so I took the liberty of replacing his photo with someone he kind of looked like at that point in his metamorphosis.
Oh yeah, not to be forgotten, we were in Chemistry lab together and the yearbook photographer came in for some "action" shots. Nate's face is priceless.
I never understood why this day was called Good Friday. Jesus was tortured and crucified on this day. What's so good about that?
I confess. Growing up I played Dungeons & Dragons. I didn't pay much attention to all the warnings from religious fanatics that the roleplaying game would take over my life. Hell, there was even a made-for-tv movie starring Tom Hanks that warned of the dangers of roleplaying games such as D&D.
The warnings of satanic rituals and drug use don't hold a candle to the following video you are about to see. THIS is what can happen to you if you play Dungeons & Dragons. Now, that is chilling stuff.
Today is St. Patrick's Day and for Catholics and everyone else it is an excuse to get wicked drunk and eat a shitload of corned beef. Actually, this corned beef tradition is new to me, I've never heard of it before this year. In case you haven't notice today is Friday and it is lent. So you know what God says, "No meat products on Friday during lent. Unless you are younger than 14."
So what is a drunken Catholic to munch on during St. Patrick's Day? Well, some diocese are making exceptions to this rule. No rule in the Catholic church is in stone you know, but Pittsburgh's diocese is taking a hard stand against giving into the temptation of salty meats. Amen, Pittsburgh diocese. God is smiling on your diocese on this day.
From the Diocese of Pittsburgh website:
A Note on Saint Patrick's Day
During Lent, Ash Wednesday and Good Friday are days of fast and abstinence. The Fridays of Lent are days of abstinence. Abstinence means that Catholics 14 and older are required to refrain from eating meat.
When St. Patrickââ¬â¢s Day falls on a Friday of Lent, as is the case this year, we need to remember that the saintââ¬â¢s feast is not considered reason for dispensation from the rule of abstinence.
Next Friday, March 17, is a Lenten Friday and remains a day of abstinence.
It is kind of odd that the first thing on the website is a toll-free number for a priest sexual abuse hotline. Why the hell would anyone call that number first? So the church could quickly transfer the offending priest to a new diocese and sweep the whole thing under the rug? But I digress. Don't eat meat today, kids.
As I walked through the Bloomfield section of Pittsburgh, I came across a pretty funny bumpersticker. It read, "CSI: Christ Saves Individuals." The CSI was printed in the same font used for the popular CBS television program. There's nothing more sincere than piggybacking on the popularity of a television show to market eternal salvation.
Recently, I was asked if I remembered the video/short film Fish Heads. Of course I remembered this amusing little video, who wouldn't? Well, what I didn't remember is that Bill Paxton is the main character and he also directed it. Interesting. Anyhow, here is the video (47 MB | Mpeg) for your viewing enjoyment.
Sometimes I like to check in on my Junk mailbox to see what the spammers are up to. I came across the following message and someone really needs to find a new translation program. Obviously from the subject line, the message was supposed to be about penis enlargement.
Subject: SHY TO FCUK WITH UR SHORT GUN? L0NGER 3" INSTANTLY teacher
completely gray goodbye taught. break different hurrying.
course sugar room hearing.
clear filled rose am. thinking thank shining chance. central pleasure favorite quietly.
knew awhile girls, know grew trees interest, wonder pie oh dare.
work got bread. prettier saying carefully?
This one's for you Nate, enjoy. This may be the only photo of this legendary vehicle. Is that possible?
So I'm watching part of the three hour afternoon newscast here in Pittsburgh, and KDKA felt that it was important to do a "news" story on Dick Van Patten's new brand of dog food. I guess they have to come up with something to fill that three hour time slot.
I'm not exactly sure how much pull Dick Van Patten has these days, but I'm fairly certain Pittsburgh isn't the only news affiliate that ran this story. The "news" segment featured the former Eight is Enough star at a table eating the same food as he was feeding his dog. It was fantastic.
New Jersey is struggling to find an all important state slogan. I'm not exactly sure how much time governors spend on the branding of their states, but a simple Google search revealed that Pennsylvania's is A State of Independence. The mass migration to the Keystone state is just around the corner.
Not only does Steven Seagal have his very own energy drink, he has also released an album entitled, Songs From the Crystal Cave. Stevie Wonder is a guest on one of the tracks!?! Obviously, Seagal threatened the famous blind musician with bodily harm.
Uh, am I the only one who is tired of hearing about bird flu? I just don't believe these cries of an inevitable bird flu pandemic. This photo freaks me out a hell of a lot more than the bird flu.
Are you stuck drifting through life in a state of existential confusion wandering aimlessly through the multitudes of energy products not knowing which one is the right one for you? Then look no further for the true meaning of life then Master Sensei Seagalââ¬â¢s Lightning Bolt Energy Drink! Apparently, this is for real.
I generally don't like it when people tell me about their dreams, but I have to unload the dream I had last night that involved Ed Asner.
Me and Fast Eddie, as I like to call him, were at his house in rural (insert any state here). He had a bug up his ass about the evil conservative red staters that lived around him. He ordered me to go find his black knit cap so we could go out and raise some hell. I'm not sure how big Ed Asner's head is in reality, but in my dream his head was gigantic. I'm talking an 8 1/2 to 9 hat size.
Anyway, I grabbed his giant knit cap and we were off. We drove around in his Lincoln Continental until we came upon a trailer park. Fast Eddie then ran around to different trailers attaching a chain to their support systems. He then attached the chain to the Lincoln and floored it. The trailers fell on their sides and Ed Asner was pleased as punch.
The end.
A friend of mine works at a party supply company in Pittsburgh. He was a bit surprised to see the disguise of a Chinese man delivered to his warehouse for distribution. He was getting ready to throw them out, but was wise enough to snap a picture of this incredibly offensive mask. I'm sure this disguise was manufactured in China, so I guess it's alright to wear.
Me speaky no Engrish.
I designed this pig logo for a client and one of my co-workers submitted it to a t-shirt site. Hopefully, the shirt will get approved. I want one regardless.
Last weekend, I visited my friend Nate and his wife Staci in Wisconsin. I finally met their daughter Maddox and I can say with certainty that she is "keepin' it real." I drank more Miller Lite than I'd like to remember and here are some pics of my trip via flickr.
Just in case you have a hard time keeping up with all things Rosie, she has her own blog and you can check out her flickr account.
Man, if the prayers of the eventual Pope go unanswered, what chance do your prayers have? Apparently, he prayed NOT to be selected as the next Pope. (AP Story)
If you frequently navigate the internet, I'm sure you have come across some ads for free iPods or some other trendy electronic device. You are usually encouraged to whack a mole, shoot a basketball, or kick a monkey. I found this fake ad via coloringbookland.com. Oh so tasteless. I love it.
Ok, so we know that black smoke means "No New Pope" and white smoke means "New Pope." What about the colors of the rainbow? Take a look:
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The color of this guy's shit may in fact be red, white, and blue.
Watch the video. (via Stereogum)
Mattress discounters consistently use balloons and crazy inflatable things to sell mattresses. If you need a mattress, you go buy a mattress. If you don't need one, a giant inflatable sheep sure as hell isn't going to trick you into purchasing a mattress you don't need. Then again, maybe it does? Maybe there's a guy out there who can't resist the allure of inflatable animals.
Car dealerships use the same tactic in trying to thin their inventory. This sad balloon advertises a sale for some GM cars and trucks.
An article from today's Pittsburgh Post-Gazette states the following statistics on how underage kids get their hands on alcohol:
- 65% From family or friends
- 7% From a liquor store or beer distributor that didn't check id
- 5% Pay a stranger to get the alcohol
- 3% Fake ID
- 20% Other (I wonder what activities constitute "other")
Of the 65% getting alcohol from family or friends, chairman of the PLCB says, "That's a number that almost boggles the mind."
So the kids are getting their alcohol from a sibling that is 21 or a friend that is 21. What is so mind boggling about that? These statistics are being used for a new campaign to remind adults how kids usually get their alcohol. Tax dollars well spent. Can't adults just try and remember how they used to get their alcohol when they were under 21?
So it looks as if Pope John Paul II will be passing away soon. I'm not exactly sure how the next Pope will be selected. I think a bunch of Cardinals get together and vote. BORING! They need to spice this thing up. In the age of reality TV here are some of my suggestions:
Three words Steel...Cage...Deathmatch: Two men enter one Pope leaves.
Vatican Idol: Papal candidates sing hymns and come up with clever raps about the evils of birth control. Pat Boone hosts.
Duck, Duck, Pope!: A rousing game of "Duck, Duck, Goose" with slight rule changes will undoubtly settle this problem.
The Vatican's Next Top Model: The candidates will participate in a series of modeling activities. The sexiest and most handsome man gets to wear the giant hat.
Pimp My Pope-mobile: Various Cardinals design new Pope-mobiles. The coolest ride will find himself living in Vatican City.
The Hunt for Sinead O'Connor: A deserted island, ten heavily armed Cardinals vying for Pope, and Sinead O'Connor. The hunt is on. Whoever kills Sinead gets the position.
Any more suggestions?
Thanks to County Line BBQ I nearly died of a meat overdose. I had no idea that such a danger existed until I took on the Chicken Combo. I should have known that I was in for some serious meat intake when the first "appetizer" on the menu was a half pound of sausage.
The Chicken Combo was served with chicken (of course), brisket, sausage, and two sides. Everything was smothered in BBQ sauce. I was starving when the plate of delicious meat was served and I dug into the various meats with extreme zeal.
I had two beers with dinner and could only muster two beers after the meat attack. I had to retire to my hotel room and digest myself to sleep.
This AP story about chocolate crosses is hilarious. I wonder what effect these tasty treats would have on Count Chocula?
Millions of cars are decorated with ribbons that state "Support Our Troops" or "Pray for America." Both are pointless and self serving. If you really want to support the troops, a $2 magnet is not exactly helping their efforts in Iraq and Afghanistan. The only thing they are supporting are the magnet makers.
Another pointless show of support is the popular yellow wristband. The wearer of the wristband takes the gutsy stand against cancer. Yes, millions of brave Americans everywhere are standing up and saying, "I really don't care for cancer." I understand that proceeds from the purchase of the wristband go toward a worthy cause, but why must the wearer let everyone know that they support cancer research. Well, because this is also self serving.
This brings me to the newest in wristband wear that I don't really understand. Children's Hospital of Pittsburgh has released the Mr. Yuk Wristband. The wristband has the phone number for the emergency poison help hotline along with some Mr. Yuk faces. Who would wear this thing? Someone that has the unfortunate habit of ingesting poison on a regular basis, or people that are anti-poison?
This picture was on the front of the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette's website today. I might be over reacting a bit, but does it look like this guy missed his son a bit too much? Maybe I'm just taking a beautiful moment between a soldier and his son and blowing it out of proportion. Or maybe they are lovers! Sorry, but that picture just freaked me out a bit.
Is it me? Or does the person in this fake billboard look like me?
It
is finally here. After being test marketed for months Anheuser-Busch's new BE
has been unleashed on the public. This new brew is marketed as a traditional
beer infused with caffeine, fruit flavoring, herbal guarana, and ginseng. This
is an obvious attempt by Anheuser-Busch to go head-to-head against Red Bull and perhaps cocaine.
I'm sure Miller and Coors will have their energy beers on the market in no time.
Now you can stay up all night drinking swill!
Wow, who knew cleaning up after a tsunami could be so much fun?
Surprisingly, FEMA removed this awful game.
...and the New Jersey Association of Real Vampires (NJARV) proves my point.
From the Frequently Asked Questions section:
What is a real vampire, anything like Hollywood?
This is a touchy question because the definition isn't exactly agreed upon. For this website, a real vampire is anyone who claims to be a real vampire. If you are, think, or pretend is your business and you will probably get something out of this website either way.
So, the holiday season is over and the post-holiday blues have set in. I have taken this opportunity to make some bold predictions for '05. Here you go:
Entertainment:
Pittsburgh:
Intriguing Developments:
Celebrity Deaths:
I've been scouring the internet trying to find a story that I saw on the evening news almost a week ago. I can't find the damn thing. The story involves three morons in Butler, Pennsylvania. Apparently, the three dipshits vandalized some poor man's home because they thought he was of Middle Eastern descent. They stole a bunch of Schwan's frozen foods, destroyed some computer equipment, and dropped a deuce on his bathroom floor. Coming back to a vandalized home is one thing, but discovering a pile of shit on your bathroom floor is a whole other animal.
The kicker is that the man whose house they vandalized is Italian. So, is this a "hate crime?" I have a big problem with the term "hate crime." The whole concept is ridiculous. A crime is a crime regardless of what the perpetrator is thinking while he or she commits that crime. Prosecute the act not the thought behind the act.
Remember the war on drugs? Well, it keeps on rolling and this story shows what kind of devious criminals the government is up against.
Just saw
a commercial for Arby's "5 Roast Beef Sandwiches for 5 Bucks" deal. The voiceover
explains that the roast beef on the sandwiches is "juicy not greasy." I'll take
the voiceover's word on that. Although, I'd trust the talking oven mitt a bit
more.
Why do commercials use cartoons to sell things to adults?
The Pennsylvania Turnpike toll collectors are planning a strike. The job of collecting tolls is about as difficult as eating soup. Replace these workers with machines or at the very least monkeys with cute little PA Turnpike uniforms.
Not sure who sent me this picture...
I
get a weekly email from Ticketmaster letting me know what is coming up in the
Pittsburgh area. This week they highlighted the fact that the Ringling Bros.
and Barnum & Bailey Circus is coming to town. Unfortunately, they included
the creepy picture on the right. Is that a clown gang bang?
When people get drunk they like to show off their bellies. Especially if someone has a digital camera. Hooray for bellies!
This remedy is definitely worse than the ailment. Will it eventually put Just For Men out of business?
I've always liked playing with bugs and my back yard is a goldmine for giant dead bugs. Ok, this is pretty weird, but I constructed a bug party with tiny paper hats. (Tiny paper hats courtesy of my wife.) Next stop: the psych-ward.
Here's a tip: Dead cicadas smell extremely bad.
Click for larger image
My wife's friend who lives in Sweden recently had a baby girl. (Congratulations!) Possibly, the most ridiculous and useless government institution I've ever heard of is the Swedish Baby Naming Commission. Not sure what the proper name for it really is?
When a woman in Sweden has a baby, they have to submit the name to the Swedish government for approval. There are even guidelines for naming your child. If you are lucky, the Swedish bureaucrats will like the name. If not, they supply you with a list of "approved" names. My wife's friend has named her baby girl "Luna." Good luck. That doesn't sound very Swedish to me. Although, it is a very beautiful name for a girl.
I was out of town for the weekend and to my surprise my cat had grown a mullet.
KFC has been promoting their new collectible buckets featuring Dale Earnhardt Jr. I guess this is an attempt to corner the redneck market.
My only question: What does one do with a collectible Dale Earnhardt Jr. chicken bucket? Of course, some loser is bidding on one on ebay.
Two morons were arrested last night for throwing large rocks at cars on the PA Turnpike. As if driving on the PA Turnpike wasn't bad enough already.
The two master criminals were named Remo (18) and Sergio (19). I guess they got tired of torturing animals and decided to take their aggression out on some unsuspecting travellers. How did they decide on throwing large rocks at speeding cars? I would imagine the conversation went something like this:
Remo: Yo Serg! Stop making out with your cousin and listen to me for a second.
Sergio: What's up?
Remo: I got a killer idea man.
Sergio: You wanna go light another cat on fire?
Remo: No man. Something way cooler than that. Let's throw big rocks at cars.
Sergio: We do that at the junk yard all the time.
Remo: No man. Cars that are speeding down the highway.
Sergio: I'm in dude.
Remo: Let's do this thing.
Living in the DC/Baltimore area for four years I noticed that everyone called soft drinks "Soda." Growing up in Western Pennsylvania I was accustomed to calling it "Pop." I was surprised to find that the term "Pop" is not only confined to Detroit, Cleveland and Western PA. According to this map from popvssoda.com, Pop is more widespread than I initially thought.
It is amazing how much useless information is on the internet. This includes mattniemi.com, of course.
Yet another reason to hate clowns:
Spanky the clown arrested on porn charges. His name fits him well.
Here's a link to a freaky clown in the Pittsburgh area.
Posted by Matt Niemi at 
