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BMM is back with a vengeance. I give you the 1981 sci-fi thriller Galaxy of Terror. The movie stars Ray "My Favorite Martian" Walston, Erin "Joni from Happy Days" Moran (but no Chachi), and Robert "Freddy Krueger" Englund.
This Alien rip off was banned in Iceland. I'm not entirely sure why, but I think it has something to do with a scene that shows a woman getting raped by a giant worm. That scene will haunt me for years to come.
Our story follows a ragtag bunch of space travellers that are on a mission to find out what happened to a missing ship and its crew. They find themselves on a strange planet that is inhabited with ghastly monsters. The crew is killed off one by one. Some are killed by snakes, some by worms, and some by demon-like monsters. It is your typical horror flick at this point and I'm sure you know the rest.
Highlights: Snakes that devour a man sound like Scooby Doo eating a sandwich; Ray Walston is the devil or some kind of space devil; The similarities to Alien are pathetic; Sid Haig is in it; Joni's head gets crushed; Robert Englund delivers the best reaction to a dead body in cinema history; When a dead body is found the crew doesn't investigate much, they simply light the body on fire with a flamethrower; The Captain of the ship is lowered into a deep hole using bungee cords. He is bait for the snake creatures below.
Oh boy, I haven't watched a bad movie in a few weeks so I tuned in to CBS's Spring Break Shark Attack last night. I'll make this short.
It was cross between an ABC Afterschool Special and Jaws. The sharks took a backseat to a story about the dangers of Rohypnol. Get to the sharks eating college kids dammit! I couldn't watch the ending, but I bet the girl from The OC didn't die.
1984's Rome 2072: The New Gladiators is basically the same film as The Running Man starring Arnold Schwarzenegger except the new gladiators ride motorcycles as they kill each other. A world wide television station has a hit TV program by the name of Kill Bike. Drake, the hero of Kill Bike, is framed for the murder of his wife and is thrust into a gladiator type show with the worst criminals from around the world. The winner of the show gets a full pardon and is free from prison.
The motorcycle scenes take up almost half the movie. Who would think that men fighting to the death on motorcycles would be so boring? Director Lucio Fulci achieves this with flying colors.
Highlights: Shots of the futuristic city of Rome are beautiful; The murder of Drake's wife is one of the most confusing scenes I've ever seen; No bras in the future; Kill Bike is a battle to the death and at the beginning of each episode the announcer introduces each motorcycle rider and mentions that each participant is "undefeated." Uh, no shit.
666 Demon Child is a movie that makes you think, "Can I possibly take a week off over the Summer, film a movie, and release it in a handful of Blockbuster video stores by 2006?" After sitting through eighty-four minutes of 666, you may think it is very possible. The sound quality, acting, and the rubber doll used for the demon child are all terrible. It is a bad movie smorgasbord.
Our story begins with an old Indian man harvesting some demon eggs on an Indian reservation in the desert. While he's walking home at night, he is hit by a camper full of twenty-somethings and a old man who is an archaeologist. One of the twenty-somethings gathers up a demon egg and stashes it in the camper. You think he may have made mistake number one?
The first demon child attack scene is surprisingly bad, even for this movie. The screaming of the demon child is produced by the crying of a baby looped over the hissing of a cat. Victim number one never stood a chance.
After the first attack, one of the teens utters some famous last words, "Could I be alone?" As she showers to remove the blood from her body, she is attacked and killed. Shocking! Attack number two is even worse than the first. Our crew of camper cruisers is now down to four and the camper won't start. No way.
When stuck in the middle of the desert, make sure to send the elderly for help. That's exactly what our stranded victims do. The old man is the next victim. It eventually comes down to a girl who uses an ancient sword to kill the little demon child, but unfortunately for mankind there is a mountain full of demon eggs. My lord no! -The end.
Highlights: Worst horror film screams, ever; Worst desert exhaustion scene, ever; Indian guy constantly forgets his lines; Kept the door open for Demon Child II.
I
never thought I'd say this after viewing Starcrash
multiple times, but The Humanoid(1979)
is the best Star Wars rip-off ever! This Italian made film starring
American actors was released in Japan. Our tale includes the following characters:
Lord Graal (Darth Vader rip-off, pictured), Golob (Chewbacca rip-off played
by Richard Kiel. Yes, the giant freak who played Jaws in the Bond film.), Barbara
Gibson (Princess Leia rip-off), Lady Agatha (She-Vader), Kip the Robot Dog (R2D2
rip-off), Tom Tom (a little Asian boy who can be compared to Yoda), and Nick
(Luke Skywalker rip-off).
Man, I have to put together a little slideshow for this one.
Anyway the axis of evil made up of Lord Graal, Lady Agatha, and Dr. Kraspin, want to get their hands on some nukes that turn humans into "an army of super robot humans." With the help of some stormtrooper rip-offs, the axis of evil steals the nukes and tests it on Golob (Richard Kiel). Convenient because Kiel already looks like a humanoid. The test is a success and the axis of evil now has a super strong Richard Kiel as their ultimate weapon, their Death Star if you will. The difference between a rabid mind controlled Kiel and the soft gentle Kiel? The humanoid Kiel doesn't have a beard.
The axis of evil unleashes the mind controlled Kiel on the city of Metropolis. Metropolis is a futuristic Earth city where they broadcast slogans over loudspeakers. The unstoppable Kiel has to kill Barbara Gibson, but is stopped by the loveable Asian boy Tom Tom. Tom Tom proclaims to Kiel, "You're crying...Your humanity is returning."
After a Millenium Falcon type escape scene, the good guys travel to a distant moon to go after the axis of evil. Kiel has a touching reunion with his robot dog Kip and then they are off to destroy the axis of evil. The axis has a plan that will turn Metropolis into a city of Humanoids. Nick takes on Lord Graal who exclaims, "No one can stop me now, princely hero!" Lord Graal tries to destroy Nick with his laser hands, kind of like the Emperor in Return of the Jedi. Lord Graal is attacked from behind by Kiel who smashes him into nothing.
The good guys win and Tom Tom returns to ancient Tibet.
Best line: "Where in the cosmos did that space jockey get his license?" - Richard Kiel as Golob
1978's
Warlords of Atlantis is
quite possibly the best underwater adventure featuring Martians. Our tale begins
at sea, as our unlikely heroes descend into the abyss for artifacts from Atlantis.
The action starts off quick when the dainty adventurers are attacked by a dinosaur.
The diving bell that the adventurers are in is almost crushed by the ancient
beast. Luckily, they shock the hell out of it with some wires.
As the adventurers explore further, they are attacked by a giant foam rubber octopus. Oh boy! This non-stop action takes a backseat to some treachery by Cliff Clavin and other fellow shipmates. They try to steal some golden Atlantis statue, but their plan is foiled by the giant foam rubber octopus.
Back to the underwater adventurers, they are sucked into a water vortex and are wisped away to an underwater Arizona. The octopus carries Cliff Clavin and the other shipmates to Atlantis. The shipmates include: Jacko (he has dead man written on his forehead), Grogan (perhaps the worst actor of all time. He is also the guy in the diner from Superman II who beats up Superman) and the ship captain (forgettable). They meet up in the grand canyon of Atlantis and are saved by the Ziggy Stardust (pictured), of the underwater oasis. He leads them past some rough terrain and a burping mud beast.
They arrive at a wonderful city with human slaves. The overlords are Martians who use the humans as slaves to protect their dying civilization from giant turtles. The Martians attach gills to their human slaves so they can't escape (This makes no sense. They aren't even underwater). Anyway, the Martians want to take over the earth because their homeland is dead. The adventurers eventually escape and return to their ship. But Jacko gets eaten by the mud monster. No shit!?!
They get back to ship and the shipmates remember they have a golden statue to steal and the movie goes on for an extra 25 minutes for no reason at all. This storyline was totally unnecessary along with the whole movie.
Highlights: Cliff Clavin, Foam rubber monsters galore, Martians aren't green, they are pasty white.
Best line: "Well, I oughta...!" or When Jacko dies in Atlantis, Cliff Clavin proclaims, "I'm sure going to miss that little Jacko."
Special
Martin Luther King Day edition.
Yes, the days of bad movies being made by whites only is far behind us. Black people can now stand up and say, "We put shit to film just as badly as you honky folk." As evidence, I submit the fifth in the Leprechaun series: Leprechaun in the Hood.
The movie includes the incomparable Ice-T as a gangsta who freezes the Leprechaun using some kind of magic flute. Uh oh, you know what that means! Some homies are going to get capped, stabbed, strangled, and slashed when the Leprechaun is freed. Of course, the Leprechaun (Warwick Davis) does not disappoint.
The dimly lit Leprechaun chases after the gangstas in search of his magic flute and along the way he raps, smokes a blunt, and kills a lot of gangstas. The rap at the end of the film is particularly disturbing, but throughout the film he rhymes everything he says. Which is what Leprechauns do, right?
Anyway, three aspiring rappers get a hold of the flute to start their music career. When the flute is blown, the magical powers grant the user a wish, or something like that, and then, uh ...Martin Luther King, Jr. rolls over in his grave. -The end.
Highlights: Seeing the Leprechaun throw down some serious lyrics in his rap was well worth the effort of sitting through this cartoon; Ice-T and Coolio!
In
case you don't already know, C.H.U.D. is an acronym for Cannibalistic Humanoid
Underground Dwellers.
The story follows a photographer (John Heard), a soup kitchen operator (Daniel Stern), and a cop named Bosch (Christopher Curry). They are investigating the disappearance of a bunch of homeless people in Manhattan. What they eventually find are radioactive humanoids that are feeding on bums. Finally, the big wig from the Nuclear Regulatory Commission admits that C.H.U.D. is top secret term used for the creatures.
If it wasn't for the audio commentary on this DVD I might not have made it through the whole film. Daniel Stern, John Heard, Christopher Curry, the writer, and the director rip on the movie through out the film. It is rather entertaining.
Highlights: A Chud's neck grows for an unexplained reason just in time for it's head to get cut off with a samurai sword; The bloody shower scene is absolutely ridiculous; Lots of close-up shots of the rubbery Chud outfits; The Chuds have glowing eyes; Daniel Stern's teeth; The audio commentary on the DVD is great.
"Guns
are good. The Penis is evil." No, this isn't a quote from the Christian
Coalition's web site. It is a quote at the beginning of Zardoz,
the sci-fi movie Sean Connery probably wishes everyone would forget. The quote
comes from a giant stone head named Zardoz that vomits out firearms and commands
his followers to kill. The year is 2234 and Earth has become a disturbing
place. Don't take my word for it, look at the picture to the left.
I'm not sure if this movie was actually intelligent and poorly done, or just poorly done and not very intelligent at all. The film is very experimental and the story is not that bad. (As bad movie's go.) Whatever the case, it sure is bad.
Sean Connery stows away in the stone head named Zardoz and he is transported to a heavenly place inside a giant bubble. At the beginning, Connery is nothing more than a caveman with a gun, but he gradually becomes a philosophical caveman. The transformation is a bit transparent and unexplained.
Anyway, Connery finds himself in the presence of the immortals and some of them envy his mortality. Connery is treated as Charlton Heston was in Planet of the Apes. He is to be studied for a few weeks, but some of the immortals want him dead, because they think he poses a threat to their paradise.
I don't really feel like explaining the rest of this ridiculous film, but there is a fantastic shoot out scene toward the end that rivals a Dirty Harry flick. In Zardoz we trust.
Highlights: The immortals grow everything using hydroponics (including themselves!); Connery strutting around in that kick ass outfit; The guy who played Zardoz will haunt me until the end of time; Lesbian mud wrestling; Connery's bloodlust for killing businessmen on the beach; God is a baseball sized crystal.
Note:
This is a "new release" at Blockbuster. Go rent it now.
Oh man, Vampiyaz was one of the best bad movies I've seen in a long time. With the tagline, "Brothaz in blood," you know this one is going to be good. Where to start?
The two main characters bust into a "mansion" to steal some papers. (Papers is another word for money.) There are no "papers" just jewels. The robbers then kill the guy who lives in the mansion and on their escape route they hit a girl who is walking in the middle of the road. The driver tries to help her out, but his partner wants to take off. Rather than help the girl out he shoots his kind homie and drives off with the jewels. The kind safe cracker is caught by the police and serves 8 years in prison. A prison that resembles Abu Ghraib. They are obviously shooting this prison footage in an abandoned prison. There are no shots of anyone else.
When our hero gets out of prison he returns to his old 'hood. His old partner is now a Vampiya and he wants his old buddy to steal an amulet for him. He tells him the amulet will cure him of his vampiyaness. This is where it starts to get good (or bad). They break into a house that has a safe that looks incredibly similar to the safe that was broken into earlier in the film. Only this one is hooked up to a "bomb." The bomb consists of a light timer, some blue clay, and a printer port. The safe cracker lets us know that this is a plastic explosive. He cracks the safe and gets the amulet that looks like something you'd buy at a dollar store.
He returns the amulet to the vampiya and to his surprise it makes him more powerful! The people he stole the amulet from are vampiya hunters. (Sort of a rip off of Blade.) The rest of the movie plays out just as you'd think. Lots of vampiyas getting capped.
Highlights: Multiple condiments used as blood; Motion sickness from the shaky camera work; The Vampiyas live in a house that is obviously under construction (joint compound, dry wall dust); Vampiyas can be killed with bullets; Although there are a lot of crucifixes in the film they seem to have no ill effects on the vampiyas; The mansion owner sleeps in a pink baby suit; Improvised lines galore.
Since it is that time of year, Bad Movie Monday gives you Halloween III. Have you seen it? Don't worry you aren't missing much. The film has absolutely nothing to do with parts one and two. Hell, Michael Myers isn't even in the film. As horror films go, I'm not much of a fan, the Halloween series isn't bad. Ok, four, five, and six are pretty lame, but one and two weren't that bad.
But what was part three about? It was like the studio had a horror movie laying around the office and couldn't think of a name. So they just slapped the title Halloween III on it. There is no Michael Myers, so who is the evil villain in this movie? A halloween mask maker who uses a stone from Stonehenge to help him with the production of his masks. The masks, which come in three varieties (witch, pumpkin, or grim reaper), react to a TV commercial. When the wearer of the mask watches a commercial for the masks they die, but before they die they turn into snakes and cockroaches. Chilling!
Highlights: Can't remember any. I saw this movie years ago.
Don
Johnson stars in this post apocalyptic film and as the title suggests he travels
the earth with his dog named Blood. Blood can talk, but Don is the only one
who can hear him. The dog is smarter than Don Johnson's character. Don and the
Dog travel the wastelands of the America searching for canned food and women.
Don uses his dog to sniff out women and then he proceeds to have his way with
them.
An underground society known as "Topeka" sends up a woman to lure Don Johnson down to their totalitarian society. Jason Robards is the mayor of the clown faced town and wants to use Don Johnson as a stud to impregnate the women of Topeka. Unfortunately, underground living renders men sterile. Don Johnson is more than happy to take part in this activity, but unbeknownst to him there is no intercourse involved. He is hooked up to a "milking" machine which sucks out Don's demon seed.
Don and the woman who lured him down to Topeka eventually escape back to the surface of earth. I won't ruin the ending for you, but it's like a bad joke punch line.
Highlights: Unexplained clown makeup on the citizens of Topeka; The beginning starts off where Dr. Strangelove leaves off; They have awful porn in post apocalyptic America; A slow moving, clown faced, neck breaking, robot; Where was Tubbs?
Gene
Roddenberry's failed pilot, Planet
Earth never got a chance to develope any further than this one hour
and fifteen minute debut.
Man, to think of the adventures that could have insued with John Saxon and Lurch. Yes, the guy who played Lurch is in this movie. He has long blonde hair, but you can't help but constantly think of Lurch. (Wow, just found out that Lurch was from Pittsburgh!)
To the story, a man finds himself in the 24th century and the planet has changed quite a bit. There is an advanced society of humans, savages, and the Kreegs. The Kreegs are humaniods who drive around in beat up station wagons throwing nets on humans. They don't do it very well. They also have rifles which they don't use very well.
Anyhow, a group of humans led by John Saxon must find a missing doctor to help operate on an injured colleague. The missing doctor has been kidnapped by a society of amazon women who dominate men like farm animals. Oh boy!
John Saxon and company go after the amazon women and eventually find the doctor and save their colleague. Dear lord no more. I watch these films so you don't have to.
Highlights: The Kreegs; Lurch's long flowing blonde hair; John Saxon hooks up with an amazon women, but can't close the deal; No Leonard Nemoy cameo.
Take
two parts Conan The Barbarian add a dash of Beastmaster, and
you've got something resembling Conquest. This 1983 Italian flick was
obviously cashing in on the popularity of those medieval adventure sagas, but
what the hell was this film about? I'll try to explain.
Our hero Ilias goes on a pointless adventure in a mysterious land that is constantly covered with fog. (The fog conveniently covers up the sub par monster costumes.) Ilias is armed with a bow and arrow and he consistently runs out of arrows. He isn't very good at hand to hand combat and he is pretty much a big wussy. For some reason a topless golden headed goddess (pictured) wants him dead. She commands her dog warriors to kill Ilias, but they can not compete against Ilias and his new friend Mace. Mace says all men are enemies, but strikes up a quick relationship with Ilias. They become buddies and combine forces to fight the monsters of this strange land.
The monsters in this movie all look different, but all fight like zombies. They move very slow and have no weapons or special powers. The best are the web creatures and their leader's Chinese accent. Other monsters that are in this flick are the mud creatures, the bat creatures, and the dog warriors (pictured).
Anyhow, Ilias and Mace combine forces to go after the naked golden headed lady. She summons the power of some dude in a metal outfit who guarantees that he can kill Ilias. Ilias, after a brief retreat returns to save Mace with his new found laser bow. The laser arrows are something to see. The guy in the metal outfit summons some of the most ghastly monsters to go after Ilias and finally they kill him. Ilias' powers are then passed on to his buddy Mace. Mace kills the golden headed lady with the laser arrows and the movie ends.
Highlights: Mace is somewhat of a beastmaster; The fake mechanical birds and the bats on strings; The golden helmet/mask does not move in anyway, but for some reason she is able to eat brains through it; The dog warrior mouths; The golden helmet lady turns into a wolf when she is killed, wha?; They had real dolphins for this flick, but couldn't afford stock footage of some birds flying around; Naked cavewomen eating chicken are sexy (Was that Natalie Portman?)
Best line: Mace, I'm back! And I'm not afraid anymore!
Leather
clad space travelers get pulled onto a terrifying planet. A planet of vampires!
I use the term "vampires" loosely. There was no fangs, no bloodsucking,
and no bats.
This was a painful film to sit through. I love bad movies, but this wasn't even funny bad. It was just boring.
Highlights: In space dead people are buried in clear plastic bags; Those black and yellow leather outfits are fantastic; Action packed fist fights; The ending suggests that the space "vampires" are on their way to Earth and nothing can stop them (I'm going to have a tough time falling asleep.)
1968's
Green Slime starts off
rather unpredictably. A giant asteroid is heading right for earth! Only one
man can lead a team of astronauts to destroy the asteroid. And that man is Jack
Rankin (pictured). Oh, what a head of hair Rankin has. The group of astronauts successfully
destroy the asteroid, but one of them unintentionally brings back some mysterious
green slime to the space station.
The green slime then transforms into a rubber suited crab creature that multiplies at an alarming rate. The creatures eventually overtake the ship and Jack Rankin has to destroy the space station in order to put an end to these demon spawn. I won't spoil the end for you, but the heroic action sequence is fantastic.
Highlights: The Green Slime theme song; Rankin's hair never moves; White people dance even worse in space; The terrifying red eyes of the space creatures; The complicated love triangle that unfolds just beneath the plot
After
a two week hiatus, Bad Movie Monday is back. This week I showcase the original
Sci-Fi Channel movie Snakehead
Terror.
Apparently, Sci-Fi Channel has taken a page from NBC's Law & Order and ripped this story "straight from the headlines." A small Maryland town is ravaged by a mysterious fish that is killing all the fish in the local lake. Uh, kind of like the snakeheads in Crofton, MD, but not really. These snakeheads are being fed Human Growth Hormone and they start to feed on human flesh!
The town tries to down play the initial killings so their tourism industry isn't damaged. Sound familiar? (See. Jaws) Anyway, Bruce Boxleitner (the town's Sheriff) and Carol Alt (the sexy scientist) team up to take on the snakeheads. I'm sure they succeed at some point, but I had to go to dinner. Or did they?
Highlights: An employee of the local pharmaceutical plant pours a gasoline can labeled "Human Growth Hormone" into the lake; A boat full of teens hunting the snakeheads with a revolver; The computerized snakeheads look great!; The scenery looks nothing like Maryland, more like Oregon; Carol Alt can act; No snakeheads were harmed during the filming of Snakehead Terror.
The
premise of They Live
is not that bad. Aliens are already amongst us disguised as humans and they
are trying to take over the world. One small problem for the aliens: They can
be seen if humans are wearing sunglasses. Therein the premise takes a turn for
the worse.
The second problem they have is "Rowdy" Roddy Piper in his sunglasses. He tries to convince some guy to put on some sunglasses so he can see the aliens. The longest and most meaningless fight in cinematic history ensues. This scene must be seen to be believed.
Best Line: "I came here to kick ass and chew bubble gum and I'm all out of bubble gum." - Roddy Piper
The trailer for Superbabies is more than enough for a Bad Movie Monday entry.
Director John Woo, writer Chuck Pfarrer, and Jean-Claude Van Damme team up for this predictable human-hunting flick. Of course, Van Damme is the Hard Target in this one. Unforturnately, this is the first in a long line of Woo directed movies to hit the shores of the US. He is responsible for films such as: Broken Arrow, Face/Off, Mission Impossible II, Windtalkers, and last year's Paycheck. The writer Chuck Pfarrer is responsible for some terrible flicks himself, such as; Navy SEALS, Darkman, Barb Wire, The Jackal, and Red Planet. Fortunately, he hasn't written anything since 2000.
Highlights: Van Damme constructs a booby trap out of a rattlesnake. That's right, he punches out a rattlesnake and some how incorporates it into a trap which he uses to kill one of the hunters. The snake scene and Wilford Brimley is all that I remember from this disaster.
Finally, a movie dedicated to the art of arm wrestling. Yes, arm wrestling. This film marks the beginning of the end for Stallone. The bombs that follow this include (in chronological order): Rambo III, Lock Up, Tango & Cash, Rocky V, A Man Called Rainbo (Never heard of that), Oscar, Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot, Cliffhanger, Demolition Man, The Specialist, and Judge Dredd. What a streak of terrible films Sly has compiled.
Anyway, Stallone is a truck driver who is trying to spend some quality time with his whiny son and arm wrestle for some cash. It is a typical father and son bonding film that includes a bunch of arm wrestling to spice things up.
The soundtrack includes the superb "hit" Winner Takes It All by Sammy Hagar, and a song called Bad Nite by the incomparable Frank Stallone.
Since it was July 4th yesterday, I have decided to pay tribute to a horrible Summer blockbuster. Independence Day tries to make an alien invasion of Earth as boring as possible with a cast of cardboard characters and it succeeds. Why is Harvey Fierstein in this film? Every word out of his mouth is annoying as all hell.
Highlights: Will Smith kicks some alien ass. Randy Quaid sacrafices his life for the good of the world. Bill Pullman is a forgettable President. Judd Hirsch proves that he is still alive. Jeff Goldblum plays Jeff Goldblum the scientist. Robert Loggia is a sack of skin in a military outfit. The aliens look like rubber squid people. The White House gets blowed up!
Best Line: “I’m just a little anxious to get up there and whoop E.T.’s ass.”
Note: I did not see this movie because I am a straight male. The following Bad Movie entry is from my friend Nate.
I went to see the movie "Troy" the other night. It sucked. I'll expound: Apparently, someone figured they could make a movie in the mode of "Gladiator" with a different actor, hire a schlep stunt coordinator, and succeed in making millions on the poor duped populous that thought this could be a decent $8.
The result was 2 hours and 45 minutes of hell. If you took six episodes of "The Young and the Restless" and peppered in about four half-assed action sequences, you too, could have made "Troy". Give everyone names that are impossible to remember, have about six plot lines that go nowhere, and cut the budget when it comes to having a decent actor to be opposite Superman (I mean, Achilles). Oh, and don't forget to make it three hours long.
I've had better times putting on clown makeup.
Highlights: Big guy in first five minutes getting killed.
Best Line: "Pythagorieous, Get thee and Hereticalculus inside Urinallisus' tent!!" (I'm serious, that could have been in there and you would have never noticed)
How
many Hollywood heavyweights could they fit into this comic book flick? Not enough.
This film was unbelievably horrible even for the woeful Batman series. The story
involves Mr. Freeze (Schwarzenegger) and Poison Ivy (Uma Thurman) battling Batman
(George Clooney) and Robin (Chris O'Donnell) for the city of Gotham. Uh, who
cares? Oh yeah, and to make matters worse Alicia Silverstone takes on the daunting
role of Batgirl. Also, director Joel Schumacher proves that he is unable to
make a good film no matter what the budget.
Highlights: Chris O'Donnell proves to the world that he may be the worst actor alive; Almost every sentence out of Schwarzenegger's mouth is a pun that somehow incorporates the cold (ie. "Everybody chill," "Ice to meet you," or "Mercy?! I'm afraid that my condition has left me cold to your pleas of mercy."); Alicia Silverstone as Batgirl.
Best line: "My name is Freeze, learn it well, for it's the chilling sound of your doom."
This
version of Jack Frost is a not
the family friendly Michael Keaton Christmas film that was released in 1998. (I'm sure
it would also make a fantastic Bad Movie Monday entry.) This is a horror film.
Yes, a film that stars a killer snowman. A homicidal maniac figures out how
to transfer his soul into anything he touches. En route to his execution his
bus wrecks in a snowstorm and he transports his soul into a pile of snow. Horrifying!
Instead of trying to figure out how to transfer his soul to another person he
terrorizes a small town. Let the mayhem begin.
Highlights: The shower scene: The snowman smothers a teenage girl with his oven mitt-like hands; The townsfolk come up with an ingenuous way to kill the snowman, a pick-up truck filled with anti-freeze; The snowman can shoot icicles out of his hands; I just found out they released a sequel to this masterpiece. I can't wait to see it.
I've
sat through some pretty horrible films (obviously), but this one made little
to no sense at all. I watched this film about eight or nine years ago and
it still sticks in my mind. Here is the summary of the hard-to-find Japanese
zombie film, Robo-Vampire:
A cop is killed by a group of zombies that are a part of some drug cartel in
Japan. The cop is miraculously brought back to life as some kind of robot cop,
or Robo-Cop if you will. (Not sure where they got that
idea.)
Anyway, the robot cop is dressed in football pads and oven mitts, which are both spray painted silver. After getting blown apart by a bazooka, he is reconstructed and saves a Japanese town from evil drug dealing zombies.
Highlights: Not one Vampire to speak of; Apparently, Japanese zombies hop after their victims; When the robot cop is blown to pieces he looks like a doll made from tin foil; The title suggests some kind of Robot Vampire, unfortunately there was not one in this film. I will be scouring the internet to find a Robot Vampire movie.
Best Line: Come on, I can't remember that far back. I'm not even sure the film was in English.
League
of Extraordinary Gentlemen starts off by introducing us to the legendary
Sean Connery. Connery then sleep walks through this film and tries to forget
that he ever took part in it. Apparently, the film is based on a comic book
and we all know the sure-fire Hollywood equation: Comic Book + Half-assed Script=
Blockbuster! But there was no blockbuster to be had with this pile of garbage.
The cast of superheroes includes: Sean Connery, Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Hyde, a Vampire, a Werewolf, The Invisible Man, Captain Nemo, and Tom Sawyer. The story really doesn't matter. It is terrible.
Highlights: Tom Sawyer driving a car; Sean Connery kicking ass; The Invisible Man's make-up; Captain Nemo's beard; Did Sean Connery really die?; Sequel? (Possibly, straight to video.)
Best Line: I call it...my Auto-MO-bile.
I
have sat through this gem about five times and the acting and dialogue may be
the worst I have ever seen. This movie had to be some sort of film school project
and for some reason MGM slapped their name on it. They recently released Troll
and Troll 2 on DVD. Troll 2 has
nothing to do with the first Troll movie. Mainly because the film does not have
any trolls in it! How absurd is that? Not one troll in a movie that is titled
Troll 2. The film does include goblins in a town named Nilbog.
Highlights: No trolls; Terrible acting; Teenager killed by popcorn. (I think); Nilbog is goblin spelled backwards!; Young Joshua pisses all over his family's dinner; Exploding goblins; An ending that leaves the door open for Troll 3.
Best Line: Would you like some fruit Joshua? The fruit is still very good.
One of the biggest box office bombs in recent memory is also one of the worst
movies I have ever seen. Which isn't a bad thing, because I love bad movies
and this is easily in my top ten. One of the funniest things about this
two-hour epic is that the creators of this film were banking on it to be a huge
success because the film only encompasses the
first half of the L. Ron Hubbard book. So they were obviously holding out
for a sequal. I'm still waiting! I can't even begin to list everything that
is wrong with this film. It must be seen to be believed. They do rip off the
following films in the process: Star Wars, Blade Runner, Planet of the Apes,
and Independence Day.
Highlights: The aliens' glove like hands; The term "man-animal"; Crap-lousy!; Most of the film is shot with the camera at a 45 degree angle; Cavemen flying harrier jets; A lot of tight shots as to not reveal that John Travolta isn't really an 8 foot tall alien; Gold is an intergalactic currency; Can't the aliens clip their finger nails?; Subliminal Scientology messages.
Best Line: I thought I told you to get a man-animal to fix this ceiling!
The
1990 revenge flick titled Hard to
Kill stars the one and only Steven Seagal. He breaks many arms and grows
a giant goatee while in a coma. Seagal plays maverick cop Nico and unfortunately
for the bad guys he is hard to kill. The tagline of this film says it all, "Nico's
back and this time he's even more harder to kill."
Highlights: Seagal's goatee; The completely unpredictable love story with Kelly LeBrock; Arm breaking; Fantastic Seagal dialogue.
Best line: You can take that to the bank Senator...the blood bank.
My
first entry for Bad Movie Monday is the Star Wars rip-off Starcrash.
The film was released in 1979, two years after Star Wars, and was directed by
Italian b-movie all-star Luigi Cozzi.
The movie stars the David Hasselhoff, Chistopher Plummer, Marjoe Gortner,
Joe Spinell, and Caroline Munro.
Highlights: A robot that speaks with a Texas drawl; Torpedoes
filled with men which are hurled through space and crash through windows of
the powerful space weapon known as the Death Star Doom Machine;
Count Zarth Arn's (Joe Spinell) hair style (pictured); Akton's (Marjoe Gortner)
afro; David Hasselhoff!; The Emperor of the Galaxy's (Chistopher Plummer) non-sensical
speech at the end of the movie.
Best line: Spaceship, halt the flow of time!
