Butthair & Seven: Episode I

Note: This is a new feature brought to you by MattNiemi.com. My friend, let’s call him King Stahome, is going to write some freaky story about some dudes named Butthair and Seven. Hopefully, he’ll keep us updated with timely installments as promised.

Seven took the gear from the bottom of the bag and shoved it aside so he could hide the weed on the bottom.

Butthair warmed up the bike. Fucker was finicky in this cold Rocky Mountain air, and he knew if he tried to push the old bull too hard too fast, he’d foul a plug and they’d be stuck in this shit hole another night.

The monkey stood next to her pile of Heath bars, watching with cold calculation as the two boys packed, biding her time. No one puts Baby in the corner.

The fact that there was never a study to see what effect Toffee would have on a species so far removed from the substance is not surprising, given the chances of the animal coming in contact with it are astronomical. Who would have thought the addiction would have been so swift and severe? The best they could tell, Seven and Butthair deduced Baby was experiencing some sort of sugar induced, euphoric high. This would cause her to be extremely clingy, and after the first near miss with an F-150 on interstate 75, they decided to temper her moods with the hash they’d accumulated in Santiago.

Without the proper research, brand new things are hard to choose between.

Once they had the bike running, the trick was to get Baby mounted on the motherfucker. This involved an immense amount of coaxing and bungie cords. The typical scenario for getting Baby on the bike was as follows:

1. Get Baby Stoned. This enabled a mild form of communication when hash was all that was available, and an amazing sort of body communication if cylocybic mushrooms could be taken.

2. Moisten toffee, adhere to host’s neck. Standard procedure was for Seven to lick the chocolate off a Heath bar and stick it to the back of Butthair’s neck.

3. The Lure. A complicated procedure to involving a ping pong paddle and a funnel that would bring the toffee to Baby’s attention.

4. Strapping in. Once Baby’s incisors were securely fastened (in that mother cat picks up a baby kitten way, not a lion gripping an antelope way) to the rear of Butthair’s neck, Seven would proceed to lock the monkey in place with a series of bungie cords, primarily assuring that the jaws of the monkey would not be pulled away from the host’s neck.

With a licking action, it takes approximately 5 hours for a monkey to deplete the toffee from a Heath bar off a human neck. That’s two hours and fifteen minutes longer than it takes to get from Commerce City to Grand Junction.