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March 7, 2005

Ode to Vin Diesel

Since Vin Diesel's The Pacifier was number one at the box office this past weekend, I'd like to bid farewell to his career in advance. It is only a matter of time before he is relegated to the Seagal, Van Damme, and Stallone status as "once great action movie stars." I'm sure in about four or five years he will be gracing the cover of straight-to-video titles such as:

  • Without a Prayer: Vin Diesel plays a priest who is fed up with a street gang that is tearing his neighborhood apart.
  • Slamdance: Vinnie D finds himself in a rock band that is going nowhere fast. He is recruited by the CIA for a black ops mission. He breaks some terrorists necks in the process.
  • Boars: Diesel must protect a small town from a pack of radioactive wild boars.
  • Illicit Discretion: He gets sexual in this erotic thriller co-starring Lisa Bonet.
  • Dragon Blade: Barbarians killed his family. Raised by lizard people, he now must avenge their death using a sword named Dragonblade and a boomerang.

Feel free to come up with your own Vin Diesel straight-to-video hits in the comments section.

Posted by Matt Niemi at March 7, 2005 3:42 PM
Comments

When is Slamdance coming out? It sounds pretty good. Do you want to go see it with me Niemster?

Posted by: Josh at March 8, 2005 12:24 AM

"Cardinal Doodies" Vin Diesel plays a bodyguard that fights Muslim terrorists and changes the Pope's diapers.

Posted by: Josh at March 8, 2005 12:35 AM

i heard vin's starring in "the secret life of abe lincoln" about that game they play where like guys hump other guys thighs, mmmm tasty.

Posted by: iluvmanthighs at March 8, 2005 9:12 AM

The only role/movie I could think of is, "How To Be a Complete Moron and Total Dickhead - The Vin Diesel Story". I figure he could play himself or get Steven Seagal for the part.

Posted by: Dan at March 8, 2005 3:11 PM

Vin Diesel DOES DETROIT!! straight to DVD with multiple angles OH YEAH!!

Posted by: porn producer at March 8, 2005 10:22 PM

The New New Testament, directed by Bob David. He'd be perfect.

Posted by: Nate at March 9, 2005 11:32 PM

Her Poochie and Me! Vin accedentally gets his wish of swapping brains with his female partner, only to have to rescue her (in his body) with the help of his new partner: a stubborn DOG!!

and a laser.

Posted by: Nate at March 9, 2005 11:37 PM

Ok the only coment I got is that he should make a wolf one. that he went to mexico and was chased by a big rabid dog and got bittin so bad he had to go to the hospital but that same night he felt well but all of a sudden he started to feel painfull all over so he starts looking at the miror and closes his eyes and when he opens them he loses control and sees that he is a wolf with red eyes.so he starts ripping his shirt and his pants but ceeps the pants and brakes through the wall and starts jumping from building to building,and kills every dog in the streat.then he wakes up in las vegas the next morning.hes clules but feels strong,and he's coverd in blood and has only ripped pants.so he spend that whole day walking around and it was turning dark.He started to feel shakey and looks up at the moon and starts screaming while transforming he starts ripping his cloths.and he starts jumping from building to building again but this time he has a little controll.well thats as far as i got so please add on to this,this will be a great movie.

Posted by: Luis at February 4, 2007 11:59 AM