Bad Movie Monday: The Humanoid

I never thought I'd say this after viewing Starcrash multiple times, but The Humanoid(1979) is the best Star Wars rip-off ever! This Italian made film starring American actors was released in Japan. Our tale includes the following characters: Lord Graal (Darth Vader rip-off, pictured), Golob (Chewbacca rip-off played by Richard Kiel. Yes, the giant freak who played Jaws in the Bond film.), Barbara Gibson (Princess Leia rip-off), Lady Agatha (She-Vader), Kip the Robot Dog (R2D2 rip-off), Tom Tom (a little Asian boy who can be compared to Yoda), and Nick (Luke Skywalker rip-off).

Man, I have to put together a little slideshow for this one.

Anyway the axis of evil made up of Lord Graal, Lady Agatha, and Dr. Kraspin, want to get their hands on some nukes that turn humans into "an army of super robot humans." With the help of some stormtrooper rip-offs, the axis of evil steals the nukes and tests it on Golob (Richard Kiel). Convenient because Kiel already looks like a humanoid. The test is a success and the axis of evil now has a super strong Richard Kiel as their ultimate weapon, their Death Star if you will. The difference between a rabid mind controlled Kiel and the soft gentle Kiel? The humanoid Kiel doesn't have a beard.

The axis of evil unleashes the mind controlled Kiel on the city of Metropolis. Metropolis is a futuristic Earth city where they broadcast slogans over loudspeakers. The unstoppable Kiel has to kill Barbara Gibson, but is stopped by the loveable Asian boy Tom Tom. Tom Tom proclaims to Kiel, "You're crying...Your humanity is returning."

After a Millenium Falcon type escape scene, the good guys travel to a distant moon to go after the axis of evil. Kiel has a touching reunion with his robot dog Kip and then they are off to destroy the axis of evil. The axis has a plan that will turn Metropolis into a city of Humanoids. Nick takes on Lord Graal who exclaims, "No one can stop me now, princely hero!" Lord Graal tries to destroy Nick with his laser hands, kind of like the Emperor in Return of the Jedi. Lord Graal is attacked from behind by Kiel who smashes him into nothing.

The good guys win and Tom Tom returns to ancient Tibet.

Best line: "Where in the cosmos did that space jockey get his license?" - Richard Kiel as Golob