Bad Movie Monday: Zardoz

"Guns are good. The Penis is evil." No, this isn't a quote from the Christian Coalition's web site. It is a quote at the beginning of Zardoz, the sci-fi movie Sean Connery probably wishes everyone would forget. The quote comes from a giant stone head named Zardoz that vomits out firearms and commands his followers to kill. The year is 2234 and Earth has become a disturbing place. Don't take my word for it, look at the picture to the left.

I'm not sure if this movie was actually intelligent and poorly done, or just poorly done and not very intelligent at all. The film is very experimental and the story is not that bad. (As bad movie's go.) Whatever the case, it sure is bad.

Sean Connery stows away in the stone head named Zardoz and he is transported to a heavenly place inside a giant bubble. At the beginning, Connery is nothing more than a caveman with a gun, but he gradually becomes a philosophical caveman. The transformation is a bit transparent and unexplained.

Anyway, Connery finds himself in the presence of the immortals and some of them envy his mortality. Connery is treated as Charlton Heston was in Planet of the Apes. He is to be studied for a few weeks, but some of the immortals want him dead, because they think he poses a threat to their paradise.

I don't really feel like explaining the rest of this ridiculous film, but there is a fantastic shoot out scene toward the end that rivals a Dirty Harry flick. In Zardoz we trust.

Highlights: The immortals grow everything using hydroponics (including themselves!); Connery strutting around in that kick ass outfit; The guy who played Zardoz will haunt me until the end of time; Lesbian mud wrestling; Connery's bloodlust for killing businessmen on the beach; God is a baseball sized crystal.